Ever wonder why I like sitting quietly in the corner at parties?

I am pagan. A witch. Since - it seems - forever. Like, when I discovered it, learned about it, I saw that I *was* it.

I spent years studying witchcraft. Not like The Craft or Sabrina witchcraft. I mean like commune with nature and feel the flow of energy around you witchcraft. When I learned how, it felt like I knew how to use The Force. I can feel energy, channel energy, and I can PULL energy. I once pulled negative, harmful, dark energy from my partner Skye when I saw it overwhelming her. It was so strong that when I grounded the energy I was literally dizzy and couldn't stand. It scared me because I didn't know that was possible, I just did it. Neither of us was aware it was "a thing". I resolved to myself that it was just something that was an "extension" of things I already knew how to do, but I never really tried again.

So in that regard, in the years since I've always tried to attune myself to those around me, which is a little harder considering the fact I have somewhat crippling social anxiety. Yet, I persisted. Over time I've become somewhat empathic. I can feel the emotions of people in the room, and the closer emotionally I am to the person the more I can feel. Also the the closer emotionally, the farther I can feel - there are a couple people in the world that I can sometimes tell when something is wrong.  The latter isn't really an attuned thing, it's more like a dull spider sense honestly; Skye and I haven't been a couple in almost two decades but sometimes I have a feeling like she's mad or sad, then I go to Facebook and see that she's mad or sad.

As I learned to attune myself to emotions, there's a learning curve of course. In large groups like clubs or parties, I would sometimes get overwhelmed and disappear. Too many feels, good and bad. Anxiety attacks from overload. Being around extremely negative, fake, or insincere people. Anxiety attacks from shutting off energy. So I metered who I hung around with. I stopped going out so much so I was happier to see borderline people who otherwise sucked out my energy when I was around them too much. I don't have to run away as often, and hopefully I'm not viewed as being so moody or flakey. That one night, whatever night it was, I swear that I WANTED to be there. 

Nothing will ever break your heart as much as a close friend telling you that you weren't invited because they knew you wouldn't come.

All of this brings me to why I actually felt the need to blog for the first time in a few months. We're four months into the COVID-19 pandemic. Because of the Great Pumpkin in Chief, we're only beginning the 2nd month of quarantine/isolation. I'm starting to feel like, when you throw a potato into a dark place and the "eyes" in the potato start branching out looking for sunlight to nourish it - that's my natural state. I have all these feelers intrinsically flowing out of me that latch on to the energy of others. While we're in isolation, my emotional feelers are stuck in a dark room and hitting a brick wall. I'm going stir crazy because I can't soothe myself thru the emotions of others. And I really just want to hug my friends.